The Rules....
Once again, my friend Trouble is coming to terms with and finding her way within the parameters of a new (and hopefully far more healthy) relationship. Having been down a road or two when it comes to trust issues and being able to love completely without the fear of being hurt, I am here to try to help.
Back in the day, (June 12, 1993) I met my husband. It was the eve of his 25th Birthday and he and I had both been invited out by mutual friends. I had spent the entire day in a big green dress at my cousin's wedding (followed by a dry reception -- hello!) and I subsequently needed a beer more than oxygen. (found a picture -- so now you can see too!)
He had been doing tequila shooters for the better part of the evening and thought I looked cuuuuuuuute. (By then I was in jeans and a great sweater -- thank God.)
He proceeded to spend the evening trying to get me to agree to go out with him and "give him a chance." The conversation went something like this:
So obviously, he wore me down. Finally, I agreed to go out with him just to shut him up. (And I thought that he was too drunk at the time to remember that I said yes....) When he showed up at my workplace the next day, I had no choice. I had said that I would go....
We had a nice evening. And made another date. At that point, the conversation turned to "what I was looking for in a man" -- or hell, I may have instigated this conversation just because I was tired of playing the game of "let's snag her and then see if I can change her to fit my parameters" and I wanted to either fish or cut bait. Period.
Basically, I put forth some rules. Abide by them, and we would get along famously and he would both receive my respect and adoration for all eternity... Or... Think you can't cut it, or don't want to? Buh-bye. No- harm- no- foul. Just get out. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way... I was TIRED of dealing with assholes.
Anyway, these were *my* rules. ( in 1993) ...
1. I have male friends. Get over it. They are my friends and they have been around longer (and I trust them more) than you. Do not pull a jealousy act.
2. I smoke. Do not think I am going to quit for you... If I quit, it will be for me. Deal with it.
3. If you f*ck up and cheat on me DO NOT come and tell me all about it to absolve your OWN guilt. That's crap. You keep that stuff to yourself.
4. If I find out that you have cheated on me and/or you are stupid enough to "bring something home" (aka a disease) all bets are off. You're done. No apologies. No do-overs. D.O.N.E. Buh-bye.
5. You will NOT tell me how to dress, what I can eat, who I can talk to, what classes I will take, where I can go, etc.... I will NOT wait by the phone for you.
6. After work I need a little down time. I like to go out for a glass or two of wine. You are welcome to join me. But you WILL NOT call every 15 frickin' minutes to ask when I will be home. Period.
-----
Now in retrospect, those rules seem pretty petty and simple. But at the time they made a great deal of sense to me. I was FINALLY in a place to just say and ask for just what I wanted. And was not willing to accept anything less. To my utter surprise, he said "Okay..." And it has been almost 13 years....
My suggestion, Trouble, is for you to make your list. Let your parameters be known...
And maybe, just maybe, like my hubby he will say, "Okay." You'll never know if you don't ask...
What the hell? If you don't ask for what you want, the answer is almost automatically "No." Give it a shot...
So did I miss anything? Feel free to leave your suggestions in the comments....
Back in the day, (June 12, 1993) I met my husband. It was the eve of his 25th Birthday and he and I had both been invited out by mutual friends. I had spent the entire day in a big green dress at my cousin's wedding (followed by a dry reception -- hello!) and I subsequently needed a beer more than oxygen. (found a picture -- so now you can see too!)
He had been doing tequila shooters for the better part of the evening and thought I looked cuuuuuuuute. (By then I was in jeans and a great sweater -- thank God.)
He proceeded to spend the evening trying to get me to agree to go out with him and "give him a chance." The conversation went something like this:
Him: "No really, I'm a nice guy! I just want to get to know you better!"And on and on it went...
Me: "I am not stupid. You want to get in my pants. You have absolutely NO chance. Go away."
Him: "No really! I think you are really pretty, and I want to take you out -- even if we just end up to be friends!"
Me: "Give me a f*ckin' break. NO. do you hear me? NO. You have a penis and that makes you evil. Go away."
Him: "Oh 'C'mon. Have you ever dated somebody from Oklahoma?? We are raised to be nice!"
Me: "No. ::leaves and goes dancing for a half an hour::
*back*
Him: "Really, will you please go out with me? I promise you won't regret it..."
Me: *sigh* NO!!! Go away!!!
So obviously, he wore me down. Finally, I agreed to go out with him just to shut him up. (And I thought that he was too drunk at the time to remember that I said yes....) When he showed up at my workplace the next day, I had no choice. I had said that I would go....
We had a nice evening. And made another date. At that point, the conversation turned to "what I was looking for in a man" -- or hell, I may have instigated this conversation just because I was tired of playing the game of "let's snag her and then see if I can change her to fit my parameters" and I wanted to either fish or cut bait. Period.
Basically, I put forth some rules. Abide by them, and we would get along famously and he would both receive my respect and adoration for all eternity... Or... Think you can't cut it, or don't want to? Buh-bye. No- harm- no- foul. Just get out. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way... I was TIRED of dealing with assholes.
Anyway, these were *my* rules. ( in 1993) ...
1. I have male friends. Get over it. They are my friends and they have been around longer (and I trust them more) than you. Do not pull a jealousy act.
2. I smoke. Do not think I am going to quit for you... If I quit, it will be for me. Deal with it.
3. If you f*ck up and cheat on me DO NOT come and tell me all about it to absolve your OWN guilt. That's crap. You keep that stuff to yourself.
4. If I find out that you have cheated on me and/or you are stupid enough to "bring something home" (aka a disease) all bets are off. You're done. No apologies. No do-overs. D.O.N.E. Buh-bye.
5. You will NOT tell me how to dress, what I can eat, who I can talk to, what classes I will take, where I can go, etc.... I will NOT wait by the phone for you.
6. After work I need a little down time. I like to go out for a glass or two of wine. You are welcome to join me. But you WILL NOT call every 15 frickin' minutes to ask when I will be home. Period.
-----
Now in retrospect, those rules seem pretty petty and simple. But at the time they made a great deal of sense to me. I was FINALLY in a place to just say and ask for just what I wanted. And was not willing to accept anything less. To my utter surprise, he said "Okay..." And it has been almost 13 years....
My suggestion, Trouble, is for you to make your list. Let your parameters be known...
And maybe, just maybe, like my hubby he will say, "Okay." You'll never know if you don't ask...
What the hell? If you don't ask for what you want, the answer is almost automatically "No." Give it a shot...
So did I miss anything? Feel free to leave your suggestions in the comments....
posted by Richmond | 7:40 PM
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