My occasionally snarky thoughts on everything from motherhood, politics, life and current events. Cocktails are sometimes mandatory. Bottoms up!

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Richmond Answers Oprah's Questions

...C'mon, I'm a housewife. It was bound to happen eventually......

So Oprah had a big show today all about why men are the way they are. Expert panel and all.
Good grief -- is she kidding me? This is the best topic she could come up with? It's 2005 and you're telling me that Oprah thinks we haven't figured men out yet??? Well, okay. As I *always* try to be helpful, I will attempt to answer these very difficult ::cough:: questions pertaining to the whys of men....

1) Oprah asks -- Why do men go to strip clubs?
[Are you freekin' kidding me? -ed.] Ahem, now while the "expert panel" gave all sorts of interesting answers to this question (along with much hemming and hawing) I can answer.
Because they can. There are naked boobies there and beer and they can have lunch. Men (in my experience) like all of those things. Moving right along....

2) Oprah asks -- Why do men look at p0rn online?
Richmond answers: Ummmmm. Ohhhhkaaaayy. I think this question is very much like the whole "strip club thing" only said "man" is not required to leave his house. So again, because they can! Men have eyes and they know how to use them. If they have time and opportunity they will look at naked women parts whenever possible. And there still might be a chance that they can have beer and lunch + naked women parts even at home. I swear, if there was braille p0rn for blind guys -- blind guys would "look" at p0rn too... Again..... moving on....

3) Oprah asks -- Why do men play golf?
Richmond answers: Well, because they can't look at p0rn all of the time. And golf allows for the opportunity to talk to their friends about all of the good strip clubs they have been to and what web sites are the best. And it affords them the chance to do "business" while being outside playing a game that feeds their "hunter gatherer" instincts. (Jeez -- at least it's *not* p0rn -- why complain?)

4) Oprah asks -- Why don't men see things that need to be picked up? Why don't they help more around the house?
Richmond answers: Oooohhhh, now there's a toughie! (Not!) Because they don't care. No, really! They don't. Men have 7 basic (internal) questions that determine what they are going to do at any given time. These are the driving forces behind the motives of most (straight, at least) men...

1. Am I hungry?
2. Am I horny?
3. Do I have to pee?
4. Is the game on?
5. Will this get me laid?
6. Am I sleepy?
7. Will this make me money?
If a man sees something that needs to be picked up [ie. dirty clothes on the floor] the average man will determine if any of his *needs* listed will be met by picking up said dirty clothes. Then ( and only then) will they make a determination as to whether or not to pick up the dirty clothes. If none of the aformentioned items on the list will be affected, (ie. "I am sleepy. I need to move the dirty clothes so I can get to the bed to go to sleep.") a man will simply "not see" the dirty clothes. Really. The clothes will be rendered invisible.

5) Oprah asks -- What do men think about after sex?
Richmond answers: Ummmmkay. Back to the list of 7 things that motivate men. They will run through the list and determine their next course of action. "I am hungry..." will have them wondering if there is any leftover pizza in the fridge. "I have to pee..." and they will be leaving the love nest sooner than later. You want to know what they are thinking about? Odds are it's either a replay of what just happened or they are thinking about sleep, the game, or food. Men are simple creatures.

6) Oprah asks -- Why do some men cheat?
Richmond answers: Oh C'mon!!!! Really. Really? Because some men can. There's that whole "naked women parts" thing and the "hunter gatherer" thing. I think we should just encourage them to look at p0rn and play golf instead......

7) Oprah asks -- Why don't men want to cuddle?
Richmond answers: Well, they do want to cuddle... if cuddling means that they can get laid. If they have already gotten laid, then they have already moved on to the other important parts of the list -- Is the game still on? Am I tired? Am I hungry?... And so on.......

Look. There's no big secret here. Men like to solve things (aka answer the questions on the list). Women like to talk about or think about or feel things..... And most married guys have a number 8.
#8. Is my wife gonna yell at me if I.....?

Well, there you have it. And please don't get me wrong -- I happen to LOVE men. They can lift stuff and kill spiders and smell good and all of those things that I really like. I have purposely lived with The Man of my Choice for approximately one third of my life! I have also just gotten old enough not to expect a man to act like one of my girlfriends. Men are, well....MEN! And Men and women are (basic plumbing aside) very different.

As women (and thanks for trying, Oprah) I think we need to just stop trying to make things so hard.... Ahem, I mean difficult. Men are what they are. And we wouldn't like them as much if they were just like us.....