Reminds Me of Me

I thought my contraception was rock-solid - it
hadn't ever failed me before. But, Spidey came anyway. He wasn't an oops,
because there was no slipup; he was a BLAMMO!, hand-of-God kind of baby. I was, not to put to fine a point on it, totally and completely
unprepared.

I read this post the other day and it really struck me how much her thoughts about pregnancy (and getting pregnant) reminded me of myself. K was a *pill* baby as well and her sister A was the direct result of one night of....

....oh my goodness the baby actually went to sleep and no grandparents are here and we have been exhausted/smelly/stressed for so long and right now we're not and you are still kinda cute do you wanna have a quickie???....

And I was breastfeeding for heaven's sake! You're not supposed to get pregnant while you are breastfeeding!!! Our Nurse Midwife actually had me show up to a pre-natal class she was teaching after A was born as an example of how you really *can* get pregnant while breastfeeding. Great. I got to be the *example*.

Anyway, the result was 2 girls, 16 months apart. I can remember being 9 months pregnant with A, standing in the middle fo the livingroom, crying because I was too huge to successfully pick up a tub-o-legos (K was going through a "dumping stuff out is FUN!" stage) when it suddenly dawned on me that I was royally SCREWED! (Fast forward to now and having the girls so close in age is great -- it was just rough for about 5 years.) Oh, and the legos ended up duct taped shut and on a high closet shelf for about 6 months. Heh. Mess with me and see what you get!

Anyway, I never intended to be a Mom. We weren't going to even have children! But here I am. A Mom to the nth degree and I couldn't be happier. Really. :-) If someone had told me this when I was 21 (and knew EVERYTHING!! btw) I would have laughed and argued. No way jose!! But she's right -- in that instant that Kendall left me and became her *own* person I felt a shift:

and every
fear, every doubt, every
moment of despair all were allayed, instantly, by
just a glimpse of his
face. I got over all my bullshit in a trice, because
it just wasn't all about me
anymore. That's the real miracle. It's just
wasn't my movie any
longer.

Hubby said later that he actually saw a change in my eyes. And that was a *good* thing -- I didn't like kids. At. All. And I was terrified that I wouldn't like my *own* either. That turned out to not be the case thank heavens and I am happier than I ever thought I could be. Not hat is isn't work mind you. And it can be easy to lose your sense of self. And I am still afraid of screwing up. But becoming a Mom was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Now if I could just get everyone to remember to flush.....................