Monday, Monday

....and we all could use some funny on Monday. Right? Well, at least I can use some funny....

Things Stressed Women Say:

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unscrew you.
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
3. Well this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
5. Do I look like a people person?
6. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
7. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
8. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
9. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senselessacts of self-control?
10. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
11. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
12. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
13. Stress is what you have when you wake up screaming and you realize youhaven't gone to sleep yet.
14. Back off!! You're standing on my aura.
15. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
16. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
17. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
18. Chaos, panic and disorder...my work here is done.
19. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
20. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
21. Earth is full. Go home.
22. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
23. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
24. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
25. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
26. Look in my eyes...do you see one ounce of gives-a-shit.

Dear Abby

Dear Abby:
My husband is not happy with my mood swings.
The other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be
able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood
it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a
big fucking red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Sincerely,
Bitchy in Boston